What Our Pregnancy Was Like

First off, when I say “our pregnancy”, I mainly mean Pebbles’ pregnancy. I didn’t have to change my diet, didn’t suddenly have a weight dragging down the front of my body, my hips weren’t trying to separate like Britain from the EU – I essentially got off scot-free (there’s a Scotland independence joke in there somewhere but I’m too tired to form it). Meanwhile, Pebbles was being punished simply because she is a woman carrying a child. Constant pain and achiness, needing a wee every five minutes (sometimes more often), and having a tiny human kick you from the inside aren’t the most pleasant experiences. But probably the worst aspect, was the itching.

As I’ve mentioned in another post, Pebbles was diagnosed with Obstetric Cholestasis. This is a condition that affects the mother’s liver, and causes a build-up of bile acid to enter the bloodstream, then causing horrendous itching with no rash, particularly on the palms of your hands. It also gives a higher chance of stillbirth.

But the extent of the itchiness was cause for concern. Pebbles was literally drawing blood she was itching so vigorously, even doing it in her sleep, assuming she could get over the itching to fall asleep in the first place.

Throughout the pregnancy we had several scans and consultations because of our history of miscarriage and high risk factors, and we saw several different consultants. Some would say it was Obstetric Cholestasis, some would say no it can’t be, it’s too early, it should only show in the third trimester- well it was, and I think they all finally accepted it around 35-36 weeks. Pebbles had been itching since week 8. 7 or so months of the worst itching imaginable. I still don’t know how she managed.

There is no cure for Obstetric Cholestasis outside of giving birth. She was prescribed Piriton, and used E45 cream daily, which sometimes made it bearable, but it was like throwing a bucket of water on a bushfire, it would barely help, and eventually it came back as bad as ever.

Aside from the nightmarish itching, Pebbles suffered from SPD. That stands for Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction, meaning the relaxing of muscles, ligaments and tendons in the pelvis in preparation for childbirth. Now that sounds pretty normal, almost clever, but Pebbles suffers from pre-existing Hypermobility and Fibromyalgia. Her joints, ligaments, tendons etc., are already super stretchy, which meant the SPD made her pelvis super duper stretchy – so stretchy in fact, that her pelvis spent nearly all of her pregnancy trying to split apart. Physical activity, even just a ten minute walk, was difficult for her, and would make the next couple of days write-offs as she’d be in too much pain to do anything.

We were told fairly early on that there was a pretty good chance that Pebbles could dislocate her pelvis during childbirth, which on a list of “Things you never, ever want to have said to you”, is near the top. Our first thought was maybe a C-section would be the way to go, right?

Wrong!

For patients with hypermobility, C-sections are a last resort, as the condition extends healing time, and therefore risk of infection would become very high.

Pebbles was herself considered high-risk. She was at risk of blood clots due to family history, which meant she had to inject herself in the stomach daily with Clexane, a blood-thinning drug. She said that the injecting itself wasn’t the worst thing, it was pushing the plunger when it really began to sting. And the bruises would cause considerable discomfort for days afterwards. Oh, and she has to keep injecting daily for 2 months after birth. Who said pregnancy was easy?

It felt like the theme of the pregnancy was solutions not being found because they would then lead to another problem and so on. In the end, Pebbles made it to Christmas Eve, 38 weeks, and we were told induction would be happening asap, but that’s another story.

Pebbles’ pregnancy was not enjoyable. And not just physically. Emotionally and mentally it was draining too. We’d had two miscarriages already, and we thought we’d lost Rou in the first trimester, so worry was always there meaning we could never relax. But I think the worst thing for me was the guilt.

Seeing Pebbles go through this was heartbreaking. In fact, Pebbles’ pregnancy was so shrouded in negatives, I felt nothing but guilt. I felt like we both made this happen, like at the end of it we both become parents, yet there I was, healthy as ever, and there’s Pebbles, clawing her own skin off and getting beaten up from the inside.

But, I believe that spurred me on to help Pebbles where I could. I’d drive to Subway at 11pm on a work night for her, I made countless trips to get food that she so suddenly needed lest she “die” (her words), and I’d do everything I could to keep her comfortable. I hope I helped, but you’d have to ask her if I made a difference.

Another feeling we had throughout, was worry. Two miscarriages, dodgy family history and a looming medical condition that increases the risk of stillbirth will do that. We never felt like we could enjoy it, because we knew all too well how easy it could all be taken away.

But we tried to find some joy, as we knew some of it was out of our control. We’d laugh as her belly would dance along to strange, niche Disney songs. We watched as her bump would grow and shrink and wriggle. We bought a ‘Future Thing’ t-shirt for Pebbles to wear to help her realise a life goal. And I think it brought us closer.

Also, because of our past troubles with pregnancies, the NHS looked after us brilliantly. We had constant, regular scans and consultation appointments that made us feel well looked after and kept us in the know of what was going on.

Our experience with pregnancy was not a good one. It was countless hospital appointments, considerable pain and discomfort, and a sense of helplessness on my part, but we went through it together.

And that’s the best thing I think you can do as a soon-to-be dad – get involved. Try and take as much of the burden off your partner as possible. Do the dishes, cook the food, do the washing, watch what she wants to watch, rub her back. It may sound like you’re giving up a lot of autonomy and like you’re suddenly a carer, but compared to what your partner is sacrificing, you get off so lightly. Suck it up, and make the wellbeing of your partner and the baby inside of them your priority, it’s the least you can do.

Do be aware of yourself though. It can be a stressful time for us guys too. We have to think about trying to provide for a family, we have to prepare for a whole new way of life whilst saying goodbye to the one we know – so be aware of your own mental wellbeing and talk to your partner and others if you’re feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

Our pregnancy was tough – even with nothing to compare it to, we know it was a difficult one. As the dad, the best thing you can do is be there for your partner. She’s sacrificing her body and mind to give you the greatest gift of all, do whatever it takes to make it up to her.

Thank you very much for reading. Feel free to share your own thoughts and stories in the comments, and I hope knowing our story helps you in some way.